I do have a tendency of being alone for at least some days after passing some busy and cheerful period. It began when I was in my technical college. Sometimes I didn’t go to home to spend the vacation with my family or anybody else. I used to watch my friends packing things and stuffs and the were happy because they are going home while I just lived in my hostel room.. All alone sometimes…. and I enjoyed those days and nights…. It’s like no one is around you to interrupt your peace.. It’s just you.. I read books.. lots of them.. drew doodles and cartoons on wall, desk, notebooks, walked around in empty campus… enjoyed the silence…It was a sort of escape from real world.
I didn’t have this luxury all the time because there were peoples and friends around me…Well I enjoyed their company, gossiping, chit-chat, yelling at each other with anger, fighting with friends for silly reasons, watching B grade movies with a bunch of crazy peoples….. Yeah I enjoyed those too. But after those I always wanted some ‘ME’ time…. So the vacations were my savior…and I used them most of the time for being alone….I felt lonely sometimes I admit. but that was okay with me. Still it’s okay with me… feeling lonely. But who isn’t lonely in this era of social networks???? I think everybody feels lonely nowadays more than those days when there was no social networks. Even for sometimes.. maybe..
Anyway, this habit didn’t left me in my University life either. There were additional reasons as well. I barely visited my family and relatives because I wanted that ‘ME’ time after months of busy schedule with classes, Lab reports, Assignments, Project and presentation completion.. So I spent almost all of my vacation at my hall. Alone most of the times… I drew things and stuffs… read books… watched movies all day and night long…Those were my precious days.
Still I keep looking for those days…nobody is around.. being alone for some days.. having cold drink or coffee alone while reading an article or watching movies or documentaries… feeling alone for some days…. finding solitude… at least for a few days…. And I don’t miss the chance If I get any.
There is a fact stated in one of my favorite movies “How To Be Single”
“I’ve been thinking that the time we have to be single, is really the time we have to get good at being alone.
But, how good at being alone do we really want to be?
Isn’t there a danger that you’ll get so good at being single, so set in your ways, that you’ll miss out on the chance to be with somebody great?”
Well that’s a problem with being good at being lonely. I’m afraid of being with someone and It’s damn true. I even feel suffocation when I think about relationship or marriage kind of things. I don’t know how to deal with it in future. My parents are already talking about my marriage, getting a great job, being stable. I just don’t wanna think about it. that’s that.
I was a regular boy from a small village who popped in town for getting educated and after that the goal was getting a job. I didn’t get luxury in my childhood or as a teenager boy I couldn’t afford branded cloths, shoes and I always hoped one day I’ll earn money so that I can afford them. Nowadays I can afford them but I don’t want to. I just don’t feel it. I still wear $5-$10 jeans/trousers and $3-$5 tee shirts and I feel comfortable in them af! I learned how to be alone and live by a small income with happiness. I just do what I feel to do..Whatever makes me happy. Sometime I miss peoples whom I left behind… It’s a real problem.. I can’t forgive if somebody hurts me. I’m not good at forgiving.. And I guess It’s a flaw for being happy. That’s why I follow the “Don’t give a fuck” rule.. It’s just something I achieved over years. It’s simple… Just forgetting their existence over time and not giving a fuck even when inside yourself you are feeling about forgiving them or you’re freakingly missing them. Sometimes they pop in my mind and I let them to be. Because you can’t forget memories easily. Sometimes they just hunt you…. and you are trying to run away from them!
Once again I mention a quote from the movie “How to be single”. Some of you might find this weird…
“The thing about being single is, you should cherish it. Because, in a week, or a lifetime of being alone.. you may only get one moment…when you are not tied up in a relationship with anyone… a parent.. a pet.. a sibling.. a friend..
One moment.. when you stand on your own.. really truly single.”
It doesn’t make sense at all right ?? but to me it’s the thing I always wanted. I always wanted that moment…and still searching for that moment..
Today after waking up from my sleep I was feeling to be offline again. No instagram, no facebook post, no stories, no selfies… nothing just to draw only for myself for a few days..reading books… drawing my own comics… just enjoying the time with myself.. at least for a few weeks or days !